What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
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Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.