Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.

me: first off – get out of my house.

Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people

Midwife: Support his head

I’m saving myself for marriage.

Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.

Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull

Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.

Me: Literally me.

before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted

as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water

*swipes right by accident*

Him: You’re not really my type.

Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.

We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace

I mean…but I did

A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.

thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her

The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.

There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.

So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-

Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…

I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.

[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?

I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.

So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.

I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.

She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,

I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”

Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.

I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.

Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?

“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people

“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*

My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?

Cop: Yes, go back a step.

Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.

Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.

asking my bank if i can do extra credit

no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them

I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨

*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*

Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.