Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
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Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.