Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
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Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever