Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
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You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
tattoos are a great convo starter. So as an introvert I kinda regret getting them
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
*bites zombie*
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout