Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.

just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate

sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are

Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.

I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.

Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars

I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.

Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body

My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please

Me: what’s that? More cheese?

11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…

but thinks the market for teeth is.

[hanging out in my basement]

Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.

Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.

I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.

imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…

Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.

Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.

Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.

No, I haven’t seen any dogs

I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.

I said, “Ok, what do you want?”

She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”

Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.

During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?

I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.

I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.

Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid

Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*

Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.

Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.

[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities

[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down

Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.

Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.

My love language is Latin. It’s dead.