Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
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5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.