Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
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I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire
Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
me at the job i begged god for
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.