Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
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me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”