Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
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I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people
Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey