Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
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Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
This guy gets it.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Me: Excuse me. I have a million presents to wrap and I need to buy some tape.
Store clerk: Scotch?
Me: Even better.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”