Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
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Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
“are u okay??” No it’s literally Monday every 15 minutes
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.
A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”
sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
All I’m saying is that big burgers should be fucking wider not taller
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?