Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
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I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?