Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
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Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
english majors be like furthermore
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
#TopTip
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?
Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!