Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.

me: time for sleep 🙂

my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??

guilty

I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.

My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help

[First day as a crime scene photographer]

Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”

GOD: This one is a giraffe.

ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-

GOD: They have no vocal chords.

ANGEL: Dude… come on

🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶

So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?

There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”

Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.

[being chased by killer]

ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*

If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”

Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now

Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway

Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never

Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake

If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.

* heats water for tea in the microwave *

* delights at the reactions from purists *

I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.

Please don’t feed the Kardashians.

If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.

While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.

Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.

-thug life

Me: The 100th day of school is coming up so you have to dress like you’re 100.

Daughter: Ok. Do you mind if I borrow something?

I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.

4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS

I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”

Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”

me: wow that exam was easy

*gets a 53*

[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.