Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
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Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
The idea that librarians spend all their time telling children to shush is an unflattering, outdated, and severe stereotype. We actually spend all our time telling children to stop running.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss