Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating

Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?

Me: Yes

Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-

Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel

Her: what

Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead

Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.

Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.

First hand-job experience = bad.

I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.

I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.

You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.

There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”

Why everyone forces introverts to be talkative and get out of their comfort zone, but no one forces extroverts to shut the fuck up even for a minute so the zone becomes comfortable.

*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*

My foot: I’LL GET IT

My brain: NO YOU IDIOT

Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.

Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.

you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.

her: I’m bored

me: let me take you out and show you a good time

her: ok

[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having fun

her: I see

I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.

Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.

[getting cremated]

Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.

“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.

one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave

Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”

Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.

Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.

And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”

I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs

Me: You should take a bath

Kid: You can’t make me!

Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens

Me: You can’t make me!

I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.

crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.

me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around

child (pukes up Easter candy):

me: ok that’s it!

I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.

I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.

#Caturday

GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy

[meeting her parents]

ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?