Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.

eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water

“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”

Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.

My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time

WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.

What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine

Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.

I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.

I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.

I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.

I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.

Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.

My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?

Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.

peacock: how’d the date go?

me: not so well

peacock: you show her your tail?

me: no i-

peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit

the way turkeys feel about november is probably how treadmills feel about january

me: [has anything]

my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that

I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.

College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.

[restaurant]

can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?

-how bout just one whole pizza instead?

oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza

Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.

Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.

[On a road trip]

Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!

Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.

My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.

boss: your drug test came back clean

me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do

boss: what

me: what

By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.

Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”

Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.

Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.

Finn was her brother.

Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.

I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus

Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.

Me: You’re absolutely right.

[buys the concert tickets]

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.

The Times are rough.

Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”

[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*

19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’

Me: ‘It’s fine.’

why am I working on Labor Day