Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
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My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
👍
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: “Sorry about the damage, but I’ve patched it up so you probably can’t even see it.”
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
“I don’t do politics.”
Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place