Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
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*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
I kinda like zombies…but can we go ahead & decide whether they can run fast or just walk?…my apocolypse plans depend on it….thanks!
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
When I was a child someone shot me with a flare gun and I’ve been absolutely fabulous ever since