@somecleverthing

Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.

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@_davidlucas_

*Answers door naked*

Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲

Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.

@Papa_Mex

I kinda like zombies…but can we go ahead & decide whether they can run fast or just walk?…my apocolypse plans depend on it….thanks!

@shopkins776

Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you

@ArfMeasures

SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot

ME: Wow

SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion

ME: Ok

SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot

@lakeanagirl

I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.

@DanMentos

“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class

@DurtMcHurtt

[job interview]

What are your strengths?

Me: inventing special occasions.

Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*

@Jacob_Swift16

When I was a child someone shot me with a flare gun and I’ve been absolutely fabulous ever since