Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
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I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.