Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand

oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.

Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.

Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!

Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is antonym

ME: synonym

JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example

ME: *lips on mic* i-t

[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine

dutch so unserious

Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶

Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁

free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side

i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.

Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder

I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.

how to market bottled water to dads

You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.

I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.

“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”

-no you can’t

*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”

Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.

Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…

Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998

You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”

I saw a guy biking in a park pulling his kid in a chariot behind him and I’ve never been more jealous of a toddler in my life.

Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.

And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”

The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.

Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.

Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.

*First day as a police officer*

Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?

I have the financial security of a much, much younger man

Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?

Me: Yes but

Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?

Me: What you have to understand is

Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”

I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.

[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting

Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.

Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”