Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB

I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies

My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.

Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?

People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat

I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection

[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]

Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.

I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on

How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?

I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.

Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!

Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!

me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church

uber: sure

me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse

And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again

Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money

Manager: Is this true

Waiter: I just gave him the check

My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton

Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.

There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo

I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.

The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.

If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms

Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.

GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems

[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm

My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition

I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.

I consider that false advertising.

Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.

What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.

“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”

*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.

When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?