Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less
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I beg your pardon?
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”
Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”