Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”

We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.

-tweet sent from stall #3

Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now

My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.

When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.

DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.

ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.

DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.

“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.

why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti

TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUG

QUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME

THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-

My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win

Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.

Who hurt you?

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.

#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years

Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.

I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely

My son – not this again

Cop –

CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?

CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!

CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!

Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..

*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*

So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.

Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.

Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.

I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.

Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.

The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.

A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.

[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world

My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.

Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.

“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”

Sir are you a shark in disguise?

*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*

Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire

Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.

My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.

She’s eleven.

I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.

Jesus, take the wheel!

*steering wheel disappears*

*car careens into tree*