Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
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Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car