Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
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USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
They have creatures Noah didn’t bring into his ark. It’s a no
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
it was love at first sight
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.