Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.

My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.

Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.

“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”

Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer

You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly

Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?

me: *gets in the cart* yes.

Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?

Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?

Me: Probably not.

Friend: PROBABLY?

Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.

My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.

I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.

My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.

Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.

My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.

I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.

Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.

No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.

High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”

College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”

Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”

Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?

Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.

Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.

How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”

Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack

I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.

Me: Do you ever get a sharp stabbing pain in your head and groin?
Annoying coworker: No.

Me, angrily throwing away the voodoo doll

hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line

I asked my friend to spell wonton backwards.

He said not now.

No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.