Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it

Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…

fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work

My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.

Challenge accepted!

[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]

“what are you doing inside my house?”

DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.

Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.

Sigmund Freud: I fell over

Me: A Freudian slip?

Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass

Me: Is it a bit of a pane?

Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune

Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud

Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.

Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.

synchronized noseblowing

[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama

may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning

I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.

[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks

My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”

My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”

Me: Sure.

[BANG]

Me: it’s 4 35 pm.

Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.

Derek: You wanna go out again some time?

Stephanie: Sure, name the date!

Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’

ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*

NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what

13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.

The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.

I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.

I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.

I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…

Ground up and in the freezer

Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.

When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”

drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?

me: haha no thanks i need you to make it

Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.

Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.