IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
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I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Lol.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
God, I love Scotland
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.
my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?