IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
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therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
my name if I was in the mob
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
in the ocean
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
3yo: Mommy I peed in the bathroom!
Me: That’s great pal! …. Wait in the toilet?
3:…
Me: Did. You. Pee. In. The. Toilet?
3:…
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”
Friend: Since 2024 is almost over what have you accomplished this year?
Me: I don’t like your tone
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.