Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: My son is pathologically literal.

“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”

Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.

Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying

Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.

What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?

Me: If only we lived in a just world where everyone got what they deserved.

Friend: Including you?

Me: Actually, scratch that idea.

A few hardest things to say:

“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”

“Worcestershire Sauce”

I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.

No weirdos.

My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.

*shows buyers around my home*

This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really

I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.

Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.

keep reaching for the stars, kid:

ME: I’ve been depressed lately

DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability

ME: what

DOCTOR: what

I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.

I don’t have kids.

Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true

I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.

*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW

Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.

ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.

right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf

just got my engagement photos

Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.

My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.

Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.

Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones

friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.

me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?

March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.

November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.

My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.

Me: Wow, you two really like comedy

Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?

Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?

I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.

WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny

[later]

THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay