IRS: you owe us taxes
Me: how much do I owe?
IRS: you get to figure that out
Me: can I just pay what I want?
IRS: no we know exactly how much you owe but you have to guess the number too
Me: what if I guess wrong?
IRS: jail
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[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?