Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
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Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Bobby pin
Child: Why are you on the computer if it’s your day off?
Me: What else am I going to do?
Child: I dunno. Old people stuff?
Me:
Child: Knit a sweater. Yell at cars. Forget why you walked into a room.
Me: Mom is going to come home to one less kid.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
first responders? you mean reply guys?
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Remember folks 😂
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.