Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
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My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
This makes total sense…
My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
What have I done to deserve this oh yeah
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.