Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
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I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in
Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”
A small tragedy.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge