Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
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By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
my professor scared me for a second
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Sharon, call the vet
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel