Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
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Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
#titanic
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
me opening up to someone
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
If you bought 1 Bitcoin ten years ago it would now be worth 1 Bitcoin
Let that sink in
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Eating cauliflower crackers: these don’t even taste like cauliflower
10 minutes later after belching: Ope there it is
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”