Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
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eating my hot dog hamburger style
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?
Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total