Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
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People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.
When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Jeff. On my 8th birthday, I asked my dad if he could come to my party and he said “Jeff got arrested for stealing a horse.”
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.
#oldknees
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
🤣🤣🤣
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Speechwriter: I have your speech ready, sir. “87 years ago—“
Lincoln: Whoa whoa whoa hang on…