When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
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Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that