@jenstatsky

Is a bath relaxing for Michael Phelps or does it just feel like he’s at work

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@SufficientCharm

Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.

@SamInspired

Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.

Universe: Hold my beer.

@SkinnerSteven

How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?

@TheAlexNevil

*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room

@GrillinChillin9

Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.

@markhoppus

Watching Riverdale with my son has afforded us important discussions like not to lie to the police when your twin brother dies mysteriously.

@BritXNic

Been told I’m a pretty awful human being.
I stopped listening after he said I was pretty.

@breatheandlove

Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’