Is a bath relaxing for Michael Phelps or does it just feel like he’s at work

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When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.


My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.


Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.


Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly

Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”


[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day


Just asked my hairstylist for the “Bieber.”

He shaved off all my pubic hair.


If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.


Most of my friends are imaginary but don’t judge because so are you


girl: wanna have car sex?

me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler


Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom