@jenstatsky

Is a bath relaxing for Michael Phelps or does it just feel like he’s at work

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@sugarwits

When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.

@maxi_tea

My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.

@Breadery

Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.

@WheelTod

Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly

Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”

@fro_vo

[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day

@justputanx

Just asked my hairstylist for the “Bieber.”

He shaved off all my pubic hair.

@AmishPornStar1

If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.

@SlothSlouch

Most of my friends are imaginary but don’t judge because so are you

@dubstep4dads

girl: wanna have car sex?

me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler

@AdinaSunny

Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom