They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
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“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
had to make it
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.