Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
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The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar