Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
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Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.