Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.

We were scrolling through the movie selection on Max and my 8 year old said, “Hey can we watch the Wizard of Ounces?”

I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.

A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.

Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.

i think both sides are to blame here

STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it

FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.

Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list

The more you know

THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?

ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.

This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️

Yelp: Its prison ma’am.

As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.

*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back

This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.

The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer

[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me

Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.

Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent

Direct deposit: +1400

Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice

I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”

got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff

Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.

Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf

What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?

You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-

My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings

He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.

No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.

I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad

God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..

Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze

God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row