Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends

i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones

[really awkward birthday party]

FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]

How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life

*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON

[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right

My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple

My fingers: so we did a thing

Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?

Me: Good night.

Brain: Night.

Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?

Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.

Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.

Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss

Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”

And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.

Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop

I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.

My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.

Buying a well is money well spent.

She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.

her: [texts something funny]

me: [types hahahaha]

me: [stares at it]

me: [deletes one ha]

I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with

My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.

In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will

Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.

After kids: My mind is a steel colander.

My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time

i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?

Sheep

If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.

Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned

Amazon is approved for drone delivery…

Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.

My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT