Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
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My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
I told my neighbor Terry my chili recipe so now we’re not allowed to fly on the same plane in case it goes down and the recipe is lost forever.