Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.

YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???

My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…

(team meeting)

boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?

me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.

boss:

We will use anything but the metric system

You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.

Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.

Doctor: Your daughter is 10.

Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo

No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.

[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?

My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”

I have a type: disappointing

me: where do I pay

doctor: on your way out

me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral

Me: I like naughty girls

Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*

Me: Not you

Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.

I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.

The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.

My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”

My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”

And now we wait…

Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!

I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻

I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:

My kids don’t live there.

When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.

Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.

I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.

[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]

Me: are you breaking up with me?!

Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?

Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me

Demon: why are you this way

You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.

Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.

coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name

WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”

Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment

“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac