Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
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Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?