Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
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Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Breaking news:
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid