Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
You Might Also Like
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
The smoothest fall of all time
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Running your mouth is not cardio.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.