Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
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good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
S/o to @funTweeters .
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.