Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
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10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
me, flirting: did it hurt?
her: what
me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house