Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
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I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
One of those leashes parents use for kids but it’s to make sure my friend doesn’t leave me alone at a party
Pro tip for Zoom court: ZOOM COURT IS REAL COURT
–Always be fully clothed
–Do not be in or on the toilet
–Do not Zoom in from the shower
–Do not Zoom in from the bed–especially if unclothed
–Don’t wear any hats/caps/bonnets
–Don’t make a full on omelet like that one lady
I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
friend: i’m just going to date myself
me: you can do better
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER