Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
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me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.
You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
whoops accidentally said I couldn’t make it before they even said the date
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism