Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
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Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
This comic I made in 2015 is my dads favorite comic in the entire world and every October he asks me to post it again… happy Halloween dad 🎃
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
new year update: losing everything but weight
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.