Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Deadpool was Green Lantern

Batman was Daredevil

Captain America was Human Torch

And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???

This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”

(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia

I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.

No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work

“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz

listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work

Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”

My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with

happy halloween

I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.

“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child

Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.

“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon

[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]

Board: B A L L

Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!

Board: T R E A T S

DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION

3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in

sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭

If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified

The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies

A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.

Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.

Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!

Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.

Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.

Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself

This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.

Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.

Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.

“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”

Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?

He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.

I have the attention of a goldfish.

Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.

HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER