Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
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Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable