Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
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Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Stop
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
do horses think humans are hats
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Do not go gentle into that good night,