Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
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The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled