Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time

It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.

They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.

Happy thanksgiving

Death certificates are our last participation award.

You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.

my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office

At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.

i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff

[roleplaying]

her: this is weird

me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”

her: [dressed as the feather duster] no

Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?

Wife: Oh god

Me: They study algae, brah!

Judge: Divorce granted

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-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.

I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.

Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.

My wife wants a Ring Doorbell. I claim not to want one because of security concerns but in reality I don’t want her to find out how much food I have delivered when working from home.

a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back

Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.

we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease

I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.

I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist

No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.

Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter

*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?

spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks

I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.

Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.

When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.

Haha! 😂

Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.

interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?

me: my ex’s heart

interviewer:

me:

interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!

Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.