@CYComedy

Is anybody else having trouble logging into my wife’s Facebook account?

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@BatBatshitcrazy

Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.

*misses last two stairs, face plants*

Rum: tee-hee

@BrassBallsCJ

How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…

~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.

@itweetmaya

That awkward moment when the garbage goes out more than you.

@IvoryGazelle

Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube

@Quartzjixler

I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.

@SumukhComedy

Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?

@andlikelaura

[harry potter at an interview]

interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes

harry: that’s correct, sir

interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow

@Im_Tricia

I wish there was a way to tell if this guy is being nice to me because he likes me or if it’s just because he’s Canadian.

@CulturedRuffian

No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.