Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Is anybody else having trouble logging into my wife’s Facebook account?
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: what’s your current salary?
Me: zero. That’s why I’m here. Is this your first interview?
Naming your cat “Whiskers” is like naming your kid “Eyebrows.”
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
him: you should really take something for your kleptomania
me: ok *steals the tv*
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.