if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
You Might Also Like
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
c’mon!
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.