@CYComedy

Is anybody else having trouble logging into my wife’s Facebook account?

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@kalmooha

Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: what’s your current salary?

Me: zero. That’s why I’m here. Is this your first interview?

@izrigrod

Naming your cat “Whiskers” is like naming your kid “Eyebrows.”

@AndyAsAdjective

wife: are you drunk?

me: define “drunk”

w: impaired by an excess of alcohol

m: define “excess”

w: yeah, you’re drunk

m: define “you’re”

@girlnarly

him: you should really take something for your kleptomania
me: ok *steals the tv*

@PFitzpa

I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.

@kacisuewho

[Pulled over]

Officer: license and registra- oh wow

Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here

@bobvulfov

[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible

@SuMacDan

Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.