Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.

CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.

ME: No thanks.

CASHIER: It comes with free refills.

ME: I do like free refills…

[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”

Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.

Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”

Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”

Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂

WIFE: Where are you off to?

ME: Shits & giggles.

WIFE: What?

ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.

Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap

Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?

Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.

At my last colonoscopy I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was NOT up there…

#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath

“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire

10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*

How do you call a meerkat?

C’meerkat.

When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.

That’s me in a nutshell.

Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!

Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. sorry bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month

Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.

Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations

B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhrist

A.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight

Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.

Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.

Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?

a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup

Him: What are you doing?

Me: Tweeting.

Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.

Me: *stare*

Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*

Casual sex robots have rebooty calls

[ alone in a dark cemetery ]

me: marco

I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never