Is anyone gonna tell them?
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“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan