Is anyone gonna tell them?
You Might Also Like
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
I put the I in Insufferable.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn
Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat
baking when u live alone is like ok i had my fun now what do i do with 28 cookies
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.