Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure

DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?

my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home

“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I think people find me intimidating

Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-

Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.

Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane

If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.

me: I got a cookie just for donating blood

friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood

We have a winner.

*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win

I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.

I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!

Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.

My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.

The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.

“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season

my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?

me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town

*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*

My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment

I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.

Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard

Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.

Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭

Rain chat:

“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”

Me: How is your chicken?

Mario: It needsa salt.

Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*

Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.

The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano

According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.