Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
You Might Also Like
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam
distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
On the Museum of Science and Industry coal mine tour and the guide asks “how would you improve working conditions in the mine?” This Little One shoots a hand up and cheerfully answers:
“Riot”
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
(Jupiter –
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
This is me
“I don’t do politics.”
Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.