Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
You Might Also Like
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
I hope the cost of living goes down. I’m not built for OnlyFans.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
I got soap in my shower beer again.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
You can get away with having a large pile of dirty clothes easily, if you put a sign on top of them that sais ”Experiment”
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”