*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
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My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Can Happiness buy money?
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life