Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON

Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.

Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.

*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*

Me: Yes, “nice.”

PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes

KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan

[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]

Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.

[quietly dies a little inside]

[first day as geologist]

me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part

driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself

In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.

You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.

Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her

‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?

*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*

if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?

Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar

Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.

Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.

“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.

“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”

[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh

“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”

⚰

Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.

me at a restaurant

waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you

Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.

Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?

*Looks up from phone*

No idea

Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.

Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo

Alfredo: Fettucine and what?

Hey Juror #2, come here a second. I noticed you were doodling the words “I DID IT” in big 3D bubble letters on that piece of paper. Can you show me how to do that?

Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.

I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.

In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.