*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
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Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.