*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
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*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
oppen heimer style lol
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.