Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
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How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Bike is short for Bichael.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.