Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
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It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Livid.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Last-minute gift idea!
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once