Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
You Might Also Like
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
181.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Well. That’s not a good sign.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go