Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
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Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
I just got an email that they closed schools tomorrow because of the impending snow storm so I told my 7yo that he if gives me $5 he doesn’t have to go to school tomorrow
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Finally, a door that understands me
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
this has done me in for some reason
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.